(Pony) Twilight Tries Not To Think

fimfic: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/314073/twilight-tries-not-to-think

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	"3564... 3565... 3566..."

[hr]

	Twilight opened her eyes.

	It was the start of a new day. A new day of lists. A new day of productivity. A new day of tasks that would make the next day a little easier.

	She rolled over to her alarm clock which sang it's screeching, stabbing melody. She pressed the snooze button with a hoof and let her hoof hang limply from the bed.

	Spike would be back from the Crystal Empire in a few days. Princess Cadance had asked him to have some sort of special press conference regarding his hero status. Twilight knew that it would be good for him. Spike had never really been good at handling too much attention. It was important for him to grow. To be special. To become important. So, now she was alone in this huge empty castle.

	Twilight rolled onto her back and stared at the ceiling. She felt the chill of the blankets that clutched to her muscles and begged her not to move. She concentrated on her breathing and tried to clear her thoughts.

	A list. She needed to build a list. Lists always helped Twilight stay organized and productive. Princess Celestia liked a focused and responsible student and that was even more so for a new Princess. So, she couldn't lay in bed all day, curled under the covers, staring at the ceiling and allowing herself to think.

	Twilight started with one unwilling hoof. Then another. Then another. And soon, she was out of bed and heading towards the bathroom to get ready for the day.

	'First item checked off the list. Get out of bed. Today's already off to a good start,' she thought to herself as she inspected the marble floors on the way to the shower.

	The beginning of the day rarely has paper or pen to guide your first few thoughts. The first goal is to always get out of bed. For some, this was an extremely simple task. A task that they don't have to think twice about or expend any energy to perform. Move a few legs and next thing you know, you're on the ground. It was simple. So simple.

	Twilight tried to clear her thoughts once more as she raised her head. Stepping into the bathroom, she stared at herself in the mirror.

	To Twilight, the reflection in the mirror was the best chance she had at trying to figure out how others thought of her. Did they admire her? Was she a proper role model? Was she performing all of the proper tasks of a Princess? Or was she a disappointment?

	There were bags under her eyes and a slight lean in her posture. Her gaze looked into the mirror as if she were hoping that the other side would say something to her. Some words of praise, a word of scorn, or even a simple hello. Anything but empty small talk. Something with substance that she could grip onto and return in some form of conversation. Yet, as much as she stared into those purple eyes, examined the feathery wings, or studied her familiar horn, the reflection said nothing.

	She broke away, knowing the next few pieces of her checklist involved simple, easy chores. Take a shower. Eat something. Go outside.

	Simple tasks was the easiest way to keep herself occupied. Tasks she never had to write down and she could always rely on if she felt unproductive. Productivity was key. She just had to keep her mind off things and do her list. Then, when she finally laid down at the end of the day, she could praise herself. She did something well.

	Turning the water faucet to hot, the water streamed down and began filling the bathroom with a warm, sauna-like mist. She stepped into the path of the water, but it was still warming up. The icy-like temperature brought a smile to her face. The sudden shock of coolness against her fur sent needle-like spirals of pain up and down her form, but she did not try to evade the sensation. The dull pain felt good in some ways. Like it was-

	Twilight cleared her thoughts and locked her eyes to the shampoo. Lifting it with her magic, she  poured trails of it over her whole frame, then used a separate loofah to lather it through her hair, mane, and hooves.

	The water grew warmer and soon her senses forgot the dull pains of the cold in favor of a more calming massage. Suds rinsed off her body down the drain, but she continued to scrub at herself. Even when there wasn't any soap left to lather, she continued, lost in her own thoughts.

	'It's funny how often we take showers. Bathing once, twice, or even three times a day and then the next we end up repeating it again. We continually make ourselves dirty to try and clean ourselves. As if trying to clean ourselves makes us a better version of ourselves. Ponies even tend to favor company to those who regularly bathe themselves. The smell becomes too rotten and then the person suddenly becomes too much of a burden to bare. If they refuse to change themselves, then the person is left behind. And-'

	Twilight stopped scrubbing and hung the loofah back up. She at on her flank in the warmth of the shower, staring at the ground, actively trying to keep her mind blank. The heat of the water held her tightly, and she wasn't quite ready to let go just yet. The ritual was like an old friend to her. Upon the first instance of meeting up with the old friend, things are warm. Things are great. However, these chance encounters usually don't last long. The two friends have lives to attend to. Different worlds to live in. So eventually the water grows cold. Trying to prolong it further doesn't bring the warmth back. It only numbs the chill to a new sense of normal.

	That's how hypothermia sets in.

	Twilight shut off the water to the shower.

	'Check.'

	Stepping out, she grabbed a nearby towel and dried herself off and wrapped her mane into it to dry. She numbly made her way through the empty halls and listened to the silence around her. Silence was dangerous. Silence created thought. Silence possessed creativity. Whenever there wasn't something to occupy her head, her mind would begin to wander. A thought, left unchecked, comes to fruition.

	Stepping into the kitchen, she found the list she prepared for herself from the day before. An honest relief for herself. Creating the next day's tasks ahead of time was a surefire way to always be one step ahead.

	The list was simple: Start coffee. Begin to heat stove. Get newspaper. Make pancakes. Eat breakfast while reading newspaper. Create list for today.

	Twilight moved at a steady, regulated pace, performing her practiced routine. In a matter of minutes, everything she needed to make her favorite breakfast was on the counter. She had already been awake for under an hour. Today would fly by.

	Cooking requires maximum attention and total focus. Especially when multitasking. Pancakes themselves were difficult. They required the proper browning. Timing was essential to make sure everything was still warm and all the other pieces of the meal were complete as well. She watched each individual cake reach a perfect golden brown and hit the plate all at it's proper time. Twilight knew she could probably save herself some trouble in the future by cooking more now, but decided that wouldn't be the best idea. She had a routine. She had to stick to it.

	By the time she read her paper and consumed her meal, she looked at the clock. An hour an a half of the day had past. She had barely done anything. She looked to a blank piece of paper beside her and stared at it with today's sense of dread.

	Yesterday she cleaned the whole castle. She scrubbed the floors. She shook the rugs. She cleaned the toilets and washed the mirrors. The whole castle was spic and span. So... that wasn't an option for today. Her refrigerator was full of food already, so she couldn't go out to get more. There was already the risk that what she had could go rotten and would have to be thrown away when it was useless.

	Twilight traced a single square on the notepad over and over again, brainstorming what she could do.

	'Do the dishes.'

	The item was quickly written down as if it were a breath of fresh air.

	'What next... I could go get a welcome home gift for Spike... but he's only been away three days.'

	She sighed to herself and set down her quill, taking a drink of her coffee.

	'I could try re-reading a book... I guess.'

	That was the real thing that angered her. She set down her quill again and rose from her seat, beginning to pace the room for ideas. For reasons unknown to her, the enjoyment of reading had just... disappeared. She would pick up a book, get a few chapters in, and find herself unable to push any further. It wasn't that her new object of interest wasn't well done or had some flaw with it, but rather that she couldn't invest herself into it. No matter what the book. No matter if it were new, old, a classic, or even a favorite, she found herself walking away from it within an hour. It was almost as if rather than the books having the flaw, it was-

	Twilight cleared her thoughts once more.

	'List. Make the list.'

	[hr]

	Soon, Twilight had a large piece of parchment that she reviewed for the sixth time as she trotted through the village of Ponyville. She already sniffed the flowers at the flower shop. She played with the fillies down at the lake. Each item on the list passed the day as quickly as the item before it. When she didn't provide herself a moment to breathe, it was easy to allow the hours pass by unnoticed. To check an item off the list meant success. Not completing the list meant failure. And so here she was, checking items off with determination.

	The sun began to sink lower in the sky when she came to the final item on her list, as well as the  one she debated the most. Window-shop for dresses.

	Contrary to popular belief, Twilight hated shopping. If there was something that she needed, the simplest thing to do would be to arrive at the store, get in, get out, and be done with it. But browsing was the exact opposite of the time-oriented, completion based mentality that came with a list. When browsing through a store, you have to take your time. Inspect each individual design. Compare and contrast each item. Then, at the end? You may walk away having nothing. In fact, you have less. You have less time. And if somepony helped you, then they have less time as well. Effectively, you've wasted both of your time.

	The door to Carousel Boutique opened with a happy jingle of bells, signaling the arrival of a new customer.

	“Hellooo!” called the happy, but familiar voice of Rarity. “We're just getting ready to- Twilight! Dear! How are you?”

	Rarity's question created silence. Which made Twilight think.

	'How am I? I'm terrible. My whole body hurts. I'm so tired. I just want to scream, or cry, or something to try and let go of the knife that's buried into my chest. I want to feel like I can breathe. I want to be able to wake up in the morning like a normal pony that-'

	“I'm fine. How are you?” Twilight responded quickly, ending the silence.

	Rarity had approached Twilight and stood beside her with her usual, genuine smile.

	“Oh you know, same old, same old. Going to take a trip to the Canterlot shop in a few days to check on progress of the other shop. Speaking of trip, how's Spike's trip? I'm sure he's been writing home about it.”

	“Yes, he has. But the letters are on a bit of a delay. It's odd getting mail once awhile from the normal post-mare rather than instant dragon delivery.”

	“Well, yes, I do suppose so,” Rarity answered coolly. “Well, to what do I owe the pleasure? It's rare that you stop by for a dress.”

	“I, uhm. Wanted to window shop a little bit,” she said.

	Rarity examined Twilight carefully.

	“Darling, you and I both know you don't want to window shop. You've never window shopped for a day in your life,” she said.

	“That's not true,” the alicorn said.

	“Books don't count,” Rarity said in a joking tone.

	Twilight opened her mouth to respond, but the words she wanted to say were caught in her throat. Her eyes moved to the floor and what was gagging in her throat was left unsaid.

	“Dear... Dear you do know that I was joking, right?” Rarity asked.

	“Yeah. Yeah. I know, it was funny.”

	Rarity studied her friend, closing the gap between them slowly. Rarity took one of her hooves then lifted it to Twilight's chin.

	“Darling, has everything been okay lately?” she asked. “You've been getting really solitary lately and it's more than just sorting your books. We've all been getting worried about you.”

	“Worried?” Twilight said.

	'Now look what you've done.'

	Twilight tried to clear her mind by closing her eyes.

	“I'm fine! I promise. I've just been able to get some things done around the castle with Spike on vacation. That's all!”

	Rarity studied the expression that Twilight wore. Rarity was a smart mare. Smarter than the rest of her friends ever gave her any credit for. She could easily spot a lie. She knew when something was up. She knew when somepony was trying to hide something. When there was some sort of bleeding deep inside of them that was burning them from the inside out.

	“Alright, Darling. If you say so.”

	Twilight just wished today was one of those days.

	“I, uhm. I think I should probably get home. There's probably a letter from Spike waiting for me and I should get things cleaned up for when he gets home tomorrow,” Twilight said.

	'This is close enough. I came to the Boutique. Check. I can do this. Only one item on the list left.'

	“Are you sure there isn't anything you need, Twilight?” Rarity asked her friend.

	Twilight already had a hoof on the doorknob and was applying force to push her way home. Silence returned. Twilight's thoughts returned.

	'A hug?'

	Twilight stopped in her tracks at the thought and she felt the word stuck in her throat. Strangling her. Killing her.

	'I can ask for a hug. That's okay. That's normal. It's not weak. It doesn't make me a failure. I can still push through this. I'm fine. I can do this. But I will be stronger if I don't. I can do this myself. I don't need to be somepony's burden. I don't need to waste anypony's time. I've already wasted some of Rarity's today.'

	“Not really! Thanks for the offer though! I'll see you later, Rarity,” Twilight said.

	Then she exited the Boutique, having less than when she entered.

[hr]

	Twilight opened the door to her castle and focused on the final item on her list.

	'Go to sleep.'

	It was the simplest item on the list. Everypony sleeps. Some neglect it. Some over indulge in it. Some have weird hours that defy the way the body is programmed, but everypony sleeps at some point. Normal ponies sleep.

	Twilight made her way back to her room and checked the clock. She managed to stay productive today, just as she wanted. It didn't require any extra thought. It didn't require any extra effort. It was a normal day in the life of Twilight Sparkle. Plus, she had the list to prove it.

	Twilight had already made the quick-lists for the next day, the ones that would push her to making a new list, so now all that was left was the final item on the list.

	She had already showered. Put on her favorite sleep clothes. Done her nightly routine and it was an hour before her normal bedtime. Tonight, Twilight was confident.

	'As soon as my head hits the pillow, I'll be asleep. I just know it. Then, the whole day would have gone by quickly and easily.'

	Twilight pushed herself under the covers of her bed, which cradled her carefully in it's loving embrace. The bed was safe. This was her place that she could let go and finally feel at ease. She rolled and stared at the ceiling and closed her eyes, waiting for sleep to come.

	A minute passed. Then five. Then fifteen. All in pure silence.

	A silence that was difficult to keep a clear mind in.

	'What time is it? Have I fallen asleep yet? Why can't I fall asleep? Please don't be another night of insomnia. I bet I was just too active before bed. Should I get some warm milk? Maybe reading a book would help.'

	Twilight rolled over, sighing to herself.

	'Why can't I fall asleep? What's wrong with me? Why can't I do anything right?'

	She rolled over and put a pillow over her head, as if making the room darker would push her farther away from the thoughts that she wanted to escape. Anger swelled in her chest as Twilight tried her best to imagine a perfectly white room with no windows or doors.

	Everyone falls asleep differently. Twilight had worked hard to research that fact. However, not one particular way worked for her. So she did her best to try as many every night. One of which was focusing on a calm, peaceful place where nothing could happen. She imagined the room carefully, it was just enough not to feel trapped in, but just small enough not to feel lost inside of the large space. She imagined what life would be like for herself in this isolated room.

	'No expectations. No worries. No obligations. No concerns...'

	She went over her routine mental list carefully and meticulously, as if reciting the list perfectly would shield herself from the other mental invaders. The white room was a safe house, not a prison. There was no cares there. And that sort of relaxation was exactly what she needed to fall asleep.

	'I wonder how long I could stay in that room,' she wondered to herself. 'Just stay there for, say, a week. Just relax. Detox from stress. How long would it take until I felt normal again?'

	Twilight shook her head then buried her face into her pillow.

	'Stop. I am normal. I am a good student. I am a good Princess. I am a good friend. People care about me. I do good things. I can accomplish so much.'

	Then, silence.

	'Then why do I think I'm such a failure?'

	That was the turning point. Once Twilight asked herself that question, there was only one direction the rest of the night could take and she knew it.

	Twilight tossed the pillow across the room, now letting the tears run down her cheeks instead of into the pillow.

	'Why does it feel like I can't do anything right? I can't even sleep like a normal pony. I keep lying to my friends and making them think that I'm okay, when I'm not. I'm such a terrible pony. I'm a terrible Princess. I'm a disappointment to Princess Celestia. I'm a disappointment to my family.'

	Twilight sniffed as she let her thoughts run wild.

	'I just wish I knew some way to make somepony proud of me... but that will never happen. No matter how hard I work. No matter how productive I keep myself, I won't feel any satisfaction for it. It used to. Completing lists gave me so much joy and accomplishment... but now it's all just chores. I'm not who I used to be. I became weak. I can't let anypony know either, or else I'll just be wasting their time. Nopony should have to lift me up. I should be able to do this myself. I don't need help. I can be a normal pony. I can be a normal Princess...'

	Her breaths were shallow and ragged. As she turned over and let her body become fully limp.

	'I wonder what would happen if I didn't wake up? I wonder how long it would take for anypony to find me? Would it be better if it were longer or shorter? Spike would probably be the first... but I'd just be causing him pain. He would have had such a fantastic trip and then find me dead. I just be ruining something else. I can't do that.'

	Twilight blinked her eyes and shook her head.

	'I haven't ruined anything. These are just silly thoughts. I just need to fall asleep. Counting usually does the trick. I'll just count.'

	“One. Two. Three. Four. Five...”

	And so Twilight counted. She was able to keep her mind completely focused on the numbers in her head as she said them aloud. Soon, her words turned into whispers, and whispers to mumbles. Her eyes grew heavy and the blankets wrapped around her tightly.

	“345... 346... 347...”

	'See... I'm already getting tired. I'm doing much better than last night. I wonder if it's because I went outside...'

	“348... 349... 350...”

	Soon, the numbers were only in her head and Twilight's eyes were closed tightly. It wasn't long after that she was finally asleep. She had succeeded another day of pushing past the thoughts in the back of her head by keeping productive and not thinking. What did she actually do that day? She didn't know. That's what the scroll was for. But her scroll still had one last item unchecked. One item sitting at the bottom of the list. One item that she couldn't check off unless she fell asleep.

	'Wake up tomorrow.'