Love Need Not Apply

>"Anon, could I talk with you for a second?"
>You hear the voice
>You know the owner of said voice
>She's Empress Mi Amore Cadenza
>She's not only a ruler of an entire nation she's an immortal being with magical powers far beyond your comprehension
>If you knew what was good for you, you would have stopped to listen to what she had to say
>But you didn't
>Despite her title and her powers, you knew this horse
>You might even say that you knew her too well
>So when she asked you to stop for a second you didn't
>FUCK that
>You just acted like you hadn't heard her, continuing to walk down the street
>It was a feeble act, you knew, but you felt like you should at least try to get away
>"Anon? Anon! I know you can hear me, you silly colt!"
>There was the clip clop of hooves as the large pink mare bounded after you
>Most ponies would have ran toward you until you both were walking side by side
>Cadence wasn't most ponies
>You heard her hooves slap against the cobblestone street and the flap of wings
>You were barely able to ready yourself as the empress slammed into your back and settled herself into human riding position
>Back legs hooked through your arms, fore legs wrapped around your shoulders, head up far enough for her to look you in the eye, which she did, a frown on her face
>"Annnnnon," she whined. "Stop being a fussy colt and listen! I was going through my shipping chart and--"
"I'll pass."
>For a few blissful moments the only sounds that you were hear were your footsteps and the nervous whispers of some crystal ponies
>You had a feeling that their empress riding some foreign stallion was going to get you both in the newspapers
>Again
>You felt Cadence shift on your back, her big pink wings twitching
>"Now," she began. "I know that the last date didn't go very well--"
"I ended up on the side of a mountain in the fucking Dragonlands, Cadence."
>"I know, I know, and I'm really sorry about that! My math was just a little off and--"

"It took me three days to get down. I had to beat a timberwolf to death with a rock and suck out the moisture from inside of it."
>Cadence sucked air through her teeth, no doubt whincing
>"I know. I was just as mad as you, and I gave that dragon a piece of my mind!"
"But you didn't have to climb down a mountain for three days," you replied, turning another corner. "Or suck out marrow from a stick creature. Or shit on the ground like some filthy animal."
>Cadence wiggled on your back, making a noise of desperation
>"I know! And that's why no Dragonlands this time! I've done the numbers and there's this unicorn in Canterlot--"
"No."
>"B-But she's really pretty!" Cadence whined, giving you puppy dog eyes
>Once upon a time, they might have even worked too
>But you were a hardened man
>A man that had squatted in a blackened, sulfur-caked plain to shit
"No," you repeated
>"But she'd be your perfect match!"
"No."
>"She's a model! And Prench! She's exotic!"
"Don't care."
>"She's also really nice! She treats stallions really, really well, and she really has a things for bipeds and cuddling! You're a biped, and you love to hug me!"
"I do not. You just attach yourself to me like some leech."
>You reached down to give her leg a pinch
>Cadence made an indigent sound, gently kicking at your hand
>"Come onnnnnn! I already told her that you'd be up for a movie and dinner! I even had a nice suit for you made!"
>You reached back to try to pry the alicorn off of you
>She naturally wiggled around, making the process difficult
>"Just one date! You'll have a blast, really."
"That's what you said about that earth pony in Appaloosa."
>"How was I supposed to know that the mare had a no-fur fetish?"
>Cadence grunted as you managed to pry her fore legs from around your shoulders
>Her back legs tightened around your waist
>"This time it'll be perfect! You'll find your soulmate and you'll have a bunch of babies! I promise!"
"Get off of me, you pain in the neck."
>"Anon! Noooo!"

>It took some elbow grease, but you eventually managed to get the squirming, wiggling, pain in the butt horse off of you and at arm's length
>She looked not at all happy about this, her hoofsies kicking and her wings flapping
>"She'll make you so bucking happy, Anon! I promise! You just gotta give her a chance!"
>You set the empress down
>She tried to leap back onto you like some pink spider monkey
>You were too quick for her though, booping her on the snozzle before she took the leap
>Her eyes crossed and she went ramrod stiff
>Good
>Now you had at least thirty seconds to get away
"I don't need anymore of your crazy dates, thank you very much," you told her frozen self.
>You gave her a pat on the head
>She might have been a pain in the ass, but at least she was trying to be a pain and the ass for your benefit
>...You think
"Look, I gotta go. I'm getting a new bench press and a box of those new snake ponies for the shop."
>With that, you sprinted away with all of the dignity that you could muster
>Just as you turned the corner, you could hear Condense shout one more thing
>"Don't you worry, Anon! I'll find you the perfect match! You won't be Equestria's first spinner on my watch!"
>...
>Fuck's sake...

~_~_~_~_~_~_~

"That'll be two hundred bits even."
>"Two hundred bits?! That's highway robbery!"
>Be Anon
>You were on the other side of your counter, staring down a little nerd horse
>A couple of boxes of HorseHammer figures sat between you
>Her nose was scrunched up
>You were bigger than her
>"Can't you lower the price just a little?" she asked. "They're plastic models, for Celestia's sake!"
"Hey, I gotta eat," you said, extending a hand. "And some of those was resin. Now pay up."
>The mare's nose scrunched up to dangerous levels
>Even so, she reached into her saddle bag and pulled out a sizeable bag of bits
>"Here. This should be enough," she grumbled, slamming it onto the counter
>Picking up the bag, you weighed it in your hands
>Hmm...
>Two hundred on the dot...
"Fantastic," you said, putting the bits behind the counter. "Now what about your gym membership? You didn't pay for this month yet."
>The mare opened her mouth
>A undisguisable sound escaped her before her mouth snapped shut
>"I'll get it to you next paycheck, you donkey of a stallion," she said, grabbing the boxes and stuffing them into her bags. "I swear, you're more anal about bits than the bucking government..."
>You watched the little nerd mare leave, nodding to yourself
>Ever since the Empire had returned, it's populace had taken quite well to modern amenities
>For some reason, they had taken to tabletop gaming to an almost fanatic degree
>Apparently, ancient poners had something very similar back in the day, but a lot shitter
>Which was where you came in
>Back on earth, people called you crazy to have a gamestop connected with a gym
>And they were fucking right
>It was a horrible idea
>When you had tried it back home you had gone bankrubt
>But things, thankfully, were different here
>Bullshit that would make an economist's head explode happened here all the time

>Thanks to some local connections, some bribery, and begging, you had opened up not only the first LGS in the Crystal Empire, but the first gym as well
>And it was fucking SWEET
>Not only could you do dumb nerd shit, you could make ponies spent exorbitant amounts on plastic and paint
>You sat back into your stool, looking around your store
>There were nerds browsing your wares
>Twenty or thirty feet away, in the designated gym section, a group or mares were horse squatting
>The barest of smiles came onto your face as you took a deep breath
>Yep...
>Living the dream...
>The little bell on your front door rang as it opened
>A familiar pink head poked its head inside
>"Hi Anon!"
>...
>Fuck
>Your head snapped over toward your Princess Broom, which sat in the corner behind the counter with you
>Cadence, all smiles, stepped into your establishment
>"There's my favorite human! Now, I know you were a little hesitant the other day but--"
"Hey!" you interrupted. "You know the rules
>To emphasize your point, you pointed out one of the many signs hung up around the store
>Please take hats, hoods, glasses, and crowns off while in the store
>Cadence giggled, plucking off her crown and putting it on the coat rack you had near the door
>"There you go, silly. Now--"
"Hey," you said, pointing at another sign
>If you want to talk with the big green alien, you need to buy something
>Cadence rolled her eyes
>"Fine, can I get a box of those... um, which ones does Shiny get when he's here?"
>You scratched your head, looking around
"He's a Chaos player, if I remember correctly."
>"Alright, which is the cheapest box for those?"
>You pointed out a started unit of HorseSpace Fighters
>Humming to herself, Cadence trotted over toward the displays
>To stop theft and be a lowkey piece of shit, you had made all of your displays and counters just a but bigger than the average pony
>You had also gotten a special stone placed at the top of your building that cancelled out Equestrian magic

>This meant that you pretty much had to get everything for your customers, but at least little horses weren't running out with your boxes
>Cadence, though, being a bigger little horse, didn't have much of a problem grabbing a box with her mouth and trotting over toward you
"That'll be thirty bits," you said
>Cadence produced a bit bag, giving you your money, which you put in your cash register
"Alright, now whatcha want?" you asked, crossed your arms
>The Empress cleared her throat
>"Now, I know the last couple of matches were a bit... lackluster, but I think I have just the match for you!"
>You did your best not to groan
>This shit again...
"Look. As much as I appreciate--"
>"Hang on! Before you say anything else, will you just talk with her?" Cadence asked, clasping her hooves together. "She's right outside"
>You groaned
>That didn't deter Cadence, who just propped herself up on your nice, clean counter so that you were eye level
>"Please, for me?"
>...
>You covered your face with a hand, letting out a sigh
"Fine. But I swear to god if she's a dragon or crazy and she breaks anything in here I'm picking up the broom."
>Cadence took a few hasty steps back, her eyes darting toward the Princess Broom
>"N-No need for that, Anon! She'll be perfectly behaved. Now give me a second and I'll go and get her!"
>Pushing off your counter, smudging your FUCKING GLASS, she trotted over toward your door
>She trotted outside, as happy as a clam
>You heard some grunting, some straining, and what sounded like hissing before Cadence trotted back inside with your "perfect match" in tow
>It was a bound and gagged Changeling
>And not one of those queer hippy ones
>It was a big fucker, black and holey
>"Here she is, Anon!" Cadence said as the Changeling struggled on her back. "It's your Mrs. Right!"
>Your nose scrunched up
"...Cadence?"
>"Yeah?"
"Is that the Changeling's old queen? The evil one?"
>Cadence nodded as the Changeling looked around the room with murder in her eyes

>The kind of murder that would fuck up your shop like nothing else
>"Yep! This is Queen Chrysalis! Chrysalis, this is Anon, the one that I was talking about."
>"Gnldfndlknl!" Chrysalis angrily replied
>You stared at Cadence for several seconds
"Where the fuck did you find a enemy of the state?"
>"I have my ways," Cadence said, bringing a hoof to her chest. "Now, if you're not doing anything later, I know a great place where the two of you can get to know each other!"
>...
>No
"No."
>Cadence winced, as if you had just slapped her
>"No? How come?" she asked
"Because she's a crazy emotion sucking murder."
>"Oh, she's not that bad!"
"Didn't she try to kill you like a year ago."
>Cadence looked back at Chrysalid, then at her
>Her smile returned, just as big if not bigger
>"I'm sure that was just a misunderstanding. She needed love, but if the two of you are together then--"
>You looked around your store, searching all of the signs that you had posted
>...
>...
>...
>Did you really not have a "do not bring enemies of the state in this establishment please" sign up?
>Weird
>Shaking your head, you pointed toward the door
"No. Now get this crazy bug outta here."
>"Come on! You didn't even give her a chance!"
"Go take her to your husband, for Christ's sake. Throw her in a fucking dungeon before she kills anyone."
>"She can change into anypony~"
"She could also turn me into a lifeless husk."
>"I bet you she doesn't have a gag reflex because she's part bug. You stallions like that, right?"
>The tip of Chrysalis's horn glowed
>Cadence yelped as a green aura grabbed her by the back of the head and slammed it into your HorseTreemen display, sending boxes onto the floor
>"Ow!"
>Without a second though, you grabbed your broom and leapt over the counter
>Cadence's eyes widened as you approached
>She tried to backpedal, but you were too quick
>Chrysalis yelped as you smacked her right on the rump
>The next blow hit the empress right on her noggin

>"Ow! You didn't need to--OW!"
>Boxes went flying as you continued to swing
>Cadence scrambled around, the Changeling Queen still on her back as you gave chase
>"I'msorryI'msorryI'msorypleasestophittingme!"
"Getthefuckbackhereyouturd!"
>"DFdkjfndkjndkjd!"
>You crashed into a fucking LOVELY display of HorseEmpire Troops
>This gave Cadence the opportunity to make a break for the door
>Chrysalis let out a pained grunt as your door was thrown open, colliding with her head
>"I'msorryaboutthisAnon, mymathmightbealittleoffI'lltalktoyoulaterbye!"
>Giving you a little wave, the very much panicked empress raced out into the street, with a dazed Changeling queen hanging on for life
>You pushed yourself up with a grunt
"Fucking Cadence... It's gonna take like ten minutes for me to clean this all up
>You looked around
>Andt here!
>She didn't even take her goddamn box of Chaos shit!
>Godammit...